#char

Sobrang jologs nito. Pero ok lang. Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila, na darating yung araw na makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo. 

Pakiramadam ko, after 20 something years dumating na yung araw na yun sakin. Ok, I’m a Gemini, as a Gemini, mabilis akong mawalan ng gana. Mabilis akong mabore sa mga bagay at tao. Pero pagdating sa kanya, hindi ko alam ang nangyari. Unang beses ko palang siyang nakausap, I felt something. Di ko alam kung ano ang itatawag dun. Connection, probably. Spark? Aba, ewan ko na.

Pero sinabi ko sa sarili ko, mawawala rin naman to. Mawawala rin naman siya. Kaya hindi ko nalang masyado pinansin. Funny thing, hanggang ngayon andiyan pa rin siya. At hanggang ngayon, siya pa rin ang gusto ko. 

Iba siya sa lahat. I’m comfortable telling him things. I’m the real me kapag siya yung kausap ko. Ramdam ko kasi na hindi niya ako jina-judge. And vice versa. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan to aabutin. Kung bukas paggising ko andiyan pa rin siya. Ang alam ko lang sa ngayon, masaya ako na merong siya. Alam mo yung kahit gaano ka-olats ng araw mo, makausap mo lang siya, solve na lahat? 

I’m trying

Staying single is a personal choice. Yes, I sometimes long to be with someone special. I want to share a piece of me. I want to take care of another human being. I want to make someone happy.  I want to be vulnerable and helpless in front of him, because I know deep inside that I will not be judged. I want to fall in love. 

Love. That word scares the sh*t out of me. How can I love someone, if I’m still learning how to love myself? I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to share my pain and struggle. I want to be whole first, before letting someone in. Because I believe that the person I’ll be loving someday deserves nothing but the best from me. I don’t need him to complete me. I need to be complete first, on my own. 

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to be ok. To function. To feel whole. To act normal. To live. And hopefully someday to love. 

Ikaw, takot ka rin ba?

Alam mo ba na takot akong magmahal? Aside from the fact that I’m still learning how to love myself, one of the reasons why I’m still single is I’m scared to fall in love. 

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganito ang perspective ko pagdating sa love. I grew up in a loving environment. My parents’ love story is inspiring. Pero takot pa rin akong buksan yung puso ko and let someone in. 

Tingin ko kasi masaya lang ang isang relasyon sa simula. But when the honeymoon stage is over, things change. Wala na yung kilig. Takot akong maiwan. I know myself so well. If I like something, I’m more than willing to give my all. But love shouldn’t be based on feelings alone. Because feelings fade and change overtime. 

Love is a commitment you make. And I don’t like commitment. But part of me craves to fall in love and be loved someday. Kung darating pa yung someday na yun. Kung hindi man dumating, at least I have my cats. Kidding aside, I’m not scared to be alone. I’ve been alone for 20 something years now, at masaya naman ako. 

Ikaw, takot ka rin ba magmahal? 

Keep your faith.. Lilipas din yan.

You only see the worth of something once it’s gone. Sad truth. But that teaches you not to take anything for granted.

You will not stay on top forever. “Bilog ang mundo” as the saying goes. Treasure everything you have. Value the people who show you care and love. Save, but don’t let material things control you. Live your life to the fullest, but always keep your feet on the ground. 

If you’re at your lowest point now, just keep going. Sooner or later the world will turn again. Slowly, you’ll climb up and you’ll survive. The key is to never give up. 

Kung pakiramdam mo na walang-wala ka na, kneel down, look up, and trust His plans. He allowed you to experience those trials for your own good. Character development, tougher back bone and stronger faith are what you get after passing the tests. 

Keep your faith, dahil lilipas din yan. 

x

He didn’t like me back, pero ok lang.

Have you ever experienced one sided love? Well, I did! Minsan nga naiisip ko ako yung queen of unrequited love. Kidding aside, I have loved someone who didn’t and will never love me back. 

I’m not going to lie, it hurt. I thought we were so perfect for each other. Pero kapag mahal mo kasi, at sobrang gusto mo ang isang tao, your logic tends to get clouded. That’s what happened to me. 

I made myself hope for something I never had. I let my heart drown in this world of false hopes and fantasies. I became so transparent with the hopes that he would notice me and my efforts. But in the end, wala rin. But I don’t regret anything. Masaya ko na naipakita at naiparamdam ko sa kanya na gusto ko siya at mahalaga siya. 

At the end of the day what matters is you took a chance. You gave yourself the chance to fall, to get hurt, to cry, to pick up the broken fragments of your heart, and to start believing in love again. Love until it hurts no more. 

What Am I?

I’ve been asked about my sexuality a lot. “Are you gay?”, “Do you like girls?”, “Probably you’re bi”. I don’t usually answer it, because for me a person’s sexual preference shouldn’t be a big deal. 

If you think someone’s not straight, then so be it. Stop being nosy. Because asking someone about his preference, could probably force him to come out when he’s not ready yet. 

When it comes to love and relationship, we are all equal. As long as you’re not stepping on someone else’s happiness, go on and be with the person you love. No one has the right to judge and to make someone feel bad about who he really is. 

Going back to the question, what am I? Am I straight? Am I lesbian? Am I bi?

I AM HUMAN. And a person’s gender doesn’t affect my heart’s choices. If I like you, I like you. Nothing and no one can stop me from showing that you matter and you are special.

x

In God’s Time

I have an early call time for my radio show later, but instead of getting some sleep, here I am writing. 

This is a random post. Well, all my posts are. Fun fact, in my Twenty something years of existence (don’t try to argue, I don’t really tell my age) I’ve never been in a relationship, and it’s by choice. 

When I was still studying, I took school seriously. I was and still am a nerd. I didn’t want anything to be a hindrance when it comes to my grades. I felt that boys would just ruin my focus. Lolol! I said, once I started working I’d give myself the chance to meet people, go out, let someone destroy the walls I built around my heart, and fall in love. Fast forward to now, that didn’t happen. My excuse, I haven’t achieved my goals / dreams yet. 

I’ve never been in love. Well, I’ve been in love with the idea of falling in love. When something starts to get a little bit serious, I take a step back, and I start building thicker walls. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know if I will ever be ready for it. I guess, I’m one of the few who enjoys being single for life. But I’m not closing my doors, if the time comes, and someone’s able to change my perspective about love and relationship, I’ll let him in. I’ll welcome him to my life. 

But now isn’t the time. Only God knows what the future holds. Right now, I’m enjoying the ride, learning more things about myself, trying to be more open to people, waiting for His perfect time and for my right match. 

Keep going

I don’t usually share personal struggles, but what I experienced might help someone who’s going through what I went through. 

The latter part of 2017 was a struggle for me. This might be shallow for some, but it really took a toll on my self-esteem. It started last November (2017). My skin broke out like crazy! It reacted negatively to a treatment and my whole face was covered in tiny bumps. 

Due to the nature of my work, I need to face people (artists, celebs) almost every single day. I hid behind fake smiles. I tried my hardest not to let my skin’s condition affect my whole life. 

It was hard. It was painful. My spirit was so low. But then I realized, there’s more to life than having clear, perfect skin. Why would I let my life revolve solely around it?

I learned to smile more. To focus on what truly matters. To laugh at a new breakout that would pop out. 

Thankfully, my skin is back to normal, after series of treatments, ups and downs, trials and error. I can go out again with no makeup on. Just keep going. Things will get better.🌻

Little by little

The beginning is always the hardest. Feelings of doubt, uncertainty and insecurity cloud your mind. You think of giving up even if you have not started anything yet. 

"It's impossible!", "I will not make it!", "I'm not good enough!" How many times have you told those belittling words to yourself? 

There's nothing wrong with being scared. It only becomes wrong once you let that fear eat you alive and destroy your dreams. Fear, a normal reaction of a normal human being (like you) when facing an uncomfortable situation. Like starting something new.

The tall building you admire while driving home, the famous musician you idolize, the bestselling book which happens to be your favorite, the movie which earned billions of dollars .. those started from something little. 

Take baby steps. Start from the bottom. Learn the hard way. Face what scares you. And keep holding on to that dream in your heart no matter how many times you feel like giving up. 

x