To the first guy I fell in love with

To the first (and only *sa ngayon*) guy I fell in love with..

Hi, ako nga pala si Faith. Mahilig akong magsulat, at may pagka hopeless romantic din. At dahil month of love ngayon, magdrama tayo. Hahaha joke lang! I’m a very random person when it comes to writing. Nagsusulat lang ako out of the blue. Kapag nakaramdam lang ako ng medyo strong na emotion. Ok, ang dami ko pang sinasabi eh. 

Habang nakikinig ako sa song ni Ari na “Imagine” bigla ko lang naalala si “First love”. Ayoko pa nga aminin sa sarili ko dati na meron akong first love. Nakaka-cringe kasi! Kidding aside, meron nga.

I met this guy during my college years. He was a fine arts student. Una ko siyang naging classmate sa Filipino subject. Tahimik lang siya. Pero kapag tinawag ng prof, ay, grabe, nakakasagot! Tapos, mataas din ang grades niya. Natuwa ako sa kanya. Pero, hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya. At wala naman akong planong alamin pa. Gusto ko lang kasi mag-aral. Puro aral lang ang nasa isip ko. I was homeschooled kasi, when I was in high school. Personal choice, by the way. Kaya sanay ako na modules lang ang kasama.

Lumipas ang ilang sem, nakita ko siya ulit. Naging classmate ko siya ulit. Sa pagkakatanda ko, sa Religion subject naman yun. Medyo mas nakilala ko pa siya dahil dun. Ang galing niyang artist. Tapos, nagbabanda pa siya. Alam ko bassist siya nung college band niya. He was a mystery to me. A challenge. A riddle. 

Siya lang yung bukambibig ko sa mommy ko. Ok, sa buong family ko. Lagi ko siyang kinikwento sa kanila. I was wishing, na sana mapansin niya ko. Sana maging kaibigan ko siya. Pero sabi ko, mukhang malabo. *plays “Pangarap lang kita by Parokya ni Edgar*. 

Pero, nakakatawa yung tadhana. Nalaman ko na lang from a blockmate na gusto niya ko makausap. My blockmates and I were preparing for a play, para sa major subject namin. Kaya medyo late na kami nakakauwi. Hinintay niya matapos yung practice namin. Nag-usap kami. Hindi ko na maalala yung pinag-usapan namin. Pero ang naaalala ko, nahawakan niya yung kamay ko, dahil sa “magic” na joke niya. Tapos hinatid niya ko sa may sakayan. :) ANG SAYA KO NUNG GABING YAN! :)

I didn’t know how to handle this kind of feeling. It was new to me. I was beyond happy. But I was scared too. Siguro, mas nanalo yung takot. So, everytime I’d see him in school, hindi ko siya pinapansin. Pero hindi ko makakalimutan nung sinabi niya sakin na, “You’re like a breath of fresh air. You make me feel alive.” *Hindi ako sigurado kung yan yung exact words niya ha. Pero ganyan yung ibig sabihin. Lol* He was a bit drunk ata niyan. Kaya nasabi niya yan. 

Dumating yung araw na hindi na kami nag-uusap. May nasabi ata akong mali. I waited for him, for his messages. Hanggang sa isang araw, nakatanggap ako ng text sa kanya. Sabi niya, kalimutan ko na siya. Something happened daw. And I should treat him like a stranger. My goodness! Umiyak ako sa mommy ko. I didn’t know what to say. Ang sakit sa dibdib. Ito yung first heartbreak ko. Sabi ko nalang sa kanya, I understand. Ingat. Something like that. *pinipilit kong alalahanin yung mga exact words, pero hindi ko na maalala talaga :(*

I waited. I kept hoping he would come back. Pero nalaman ko nalang, he is in a relationship na pala. Ito yung second time na nadurog yung puso ko dahil sa kanya. Masakit eh. Ang sakit-sakit. But I had to be strong. 

Lumipas ang mga araw, malapit na akong grumaduate. Pero siya pa rin yung laman ng isip ko. Siya pa rin yung gusto ko. I told myself, kailangan ko siyang makausap for the very last time. Not to win him back. Not to confuse him. Not to destroy anything. Gusto ko lang magpaalam. Tandang-tanda ko pa yung sinabi sakin ni mommy. Sabi niya, sabihin mo lahat, pero magtira ka sa sarili mo. Wag kang mag “I love you” HAHAHAHAHAHA. He is in a relationship, remember. Respect that!

Dumating na yung araw na kakausapin ko siya. Tsong, mas nakakakaba pa to sa oral revalida! Parang ayoko na ituloy. Nanlalamig ako, na nasusuka, na naiiyak. Pero wala eh, andito na ko. Wala ng atrasan. Kaharap ko na siya. Una kong sinabi, ok lang kahit di ka magsalita (pero guys, take note, pag sinabi ng babae na NO it means YES, at pag YES it means NO). Ang sinabi ko lang naman, SORRY, THANK YOU at ikaw yung inspirasyon ko. Good bye. Tapos, wala nga siyang sinabi. At ito yung pangatlong beses na nawasak ang puso ko. Buti hinintay ako ng bestfriend ko. At buti sinundo ako nila mommy. Ang sakit kasi. Ang magagawa mo lang talaga, iiyak yung sakit. 

Lumipas ang taon, at siya pa rin yung gusto ko. Funny thing, I even told myself, kundi rin siya, I’d stay single forever. I’m not good with dates, with birthdays. Di ko nga alam birthday ng mga kamag-anak ko! Pero siya, alam na alam ko. I made sure to always greet him on his birthday. 

Fast forward to 2015. I greeted him on his birthday. And oh my goodness! He replied! We started talking again. Gusto kong sumigaw, tumalon, umiyak, tumawa, dahil ang saya-saya ko. Pakiramdam ko worth it yung ginawa kong paghihintay. We were talking again. We were talking everyday. I was happy. I was smiling again. I was listening to love songs again. I was writing happy things again. Pero, words mean nothing, without action. 

Ok, tinatamad na ko ituloy ang kwento. May next time pa naman, siguro? Point is, naniniwala na ko sa notion na “first love never dies”. He’ll forever have a special place in my heart. But, I don’t wish for him to be part of my life anymore. Masaya ko na nakilala ang isang tulad niya. :)

#char

Sobrang jologs nito. Pero ok lang. Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila, na darating yung araw na makakahanap ka rin ng katapat mo. 

Pakiramadam ko, after 20 something years dumating na yung araw na yun sakin. Ok, I’m a Gemini, as a Gemini, mabilis akong mawalan ng gana. Mabilis akong mabore sa mga bagay at tao. Pero pagdating sa kanya, hindi ko alam ang nangyari. Unang beses ko palang siyang nakausap, I felt something. Di ko alam kung ano ang itatawag dun. Connection, probably. Spark? Aba, ewan ko na.

Pero sinabi ko sa sarili ko, mawawala rin naman to. Mawawala rin naman siya. Kaya hindi ko nalang masyado pinansin. Funny thing, hanggang ngayon andiyan pa rin siya. At hanggang ngayon, siya pa rin ang gusto ko. 

Iba siya sa lahat. I’m comfortable telling him things. I’m the real me kapag siya yung kausap ko. Ramdam ko kasi na hindi niya ako jina-judge. And vice versa. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan to aabutin. Kung bukas paggising ko andiyan pa rin siya. Ang alam ko lang sa ngayon, masaya ako na merong siya. Alam mo yung kahit gaano ka-olats ng araw mo, makausap mo lang siya, solve na lahat? 

I’m trying

Staying single is a personal choice. Yes, I sometimes long to be with someone special. I want to share a piece of me. I want to take care of another human being. I want to make someone happy.  I want to be vulnerable and helpless in front of him, because I know deep inside that I will not be judged. I want to fall in love. 

Love. That word scares the sh*t out of me. How can I love someone, if I’m still learning how to love myself? I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to share my pain and struggle. I want to be whole first, before letting someone in. Because I believe that the person I’ll be loving someday deserves nothing but the best from me. I don’t need him to complete me. I need to be complete first, on my own. 

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to be ok. To function. To feel whole. To act normal. To live. And hopefully someday to love. 

Ikaw, takot ka rin ba?

Alam mo ba na takot akong magmahal? Aside from the fact that I’m still learning how to love myself, one of the reasons why I’m still single is I’m scared to fall in love. 

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganito ang perspective ko pagdating sa love. I grew up in a loving environment. My parents’ love story is inspiring. Pero takot pa rin akong buksan yung puso ko and let someone in. 

Tingin ko kasi masaya lang ang isang relasyon sa simula. But when the honeymoon stage is over, things change. Wala na yung kilig. Takot akong maiwan. I know myself so well. If I like something, I’m more than willing to give my all. But love shouldn’t be based on feelings alone. Because feelings fade and change overtime. 

Love is a commitment you make. And I don’t like commitment. But part of me craves to fall in love and be loved someday. Kung darating pa yung someday na yun. Kung hindi man dumating, at least I have my cats. Kidding aside, I’m not scared to be alone. I’ve been alone for 20 something years now, at masaya naman ako. 

Ikaw, takot ka rin ba magmahal? 

Keep your faith.. Lilipas din yan.

You only see the worth of something once it’s gone. Sad truth. But that teaches you not to take anything for granted.

You will not stay on top forever. “Bilog ang mundo” as the saying goes. Treasure everything you have. Value the people who show you care and love. Save, but don’t let material things control you. Live your life to the fullest, but always keep your feet on the ground. 

If you’re at your lowest point now, just keep going. Sooner or later the world will turn again. Slowly, you’ll climb up and you’ll survive. The key is to never give up. 

Kung pakiramdam mo na walang-wala ka na, kneel down, look up, and trust His plans. He allowed you to experience those trials for your own good. Character development, tougher back bone and stronger faith are what you get after passing the tests. 

Keep your faith, dahil lilipas din yan. 

x

He didn’t like me back, pero ok lang.

Have you ever experienced one sided love? Well, I did! Minsan nga naiisip ko ako yung queen of unrequited love. Kidding aside, I have loved someone who didn’t and will never love me back. 

I’m not going to lie, it hurt. I thought we were so perfect for each other. Pero kapag mahal mo kasi, at sobrang gusto mo ang isang tao, your logic tends to get clouded. That’s what happened to me. 

I made myself hope for something I never had. I let my heart drown in this world of false hopes and fantasies. I became so transparent with the hopes that he would notice me and my efforts. But in the end, wala rin. But I don’t regret anything. Masaya ko na naipakita at naiparamdam ko sa kanya na gusto ko siya at mahalaga siya. 

At the end of the day what matters is you took a chance. You gave yourself the chance to fall, to get hurt, to cry, to pick up the broken fragments of your heart, and to start believing in love again. Love until it hurts no more. 

What Am I?

I’ve been asked about my sexuality a lot. “Are you gay?”, “Do you like girls?”, “Probably you’re bi”. I don’t usually answer it, because for me a person’s sexual preference shouldn’t be a big deal. 

If you think someone’s not straight, then so be it. Stop being nosy. Because asking someone about his preference, could probably force him to come out when he’s not ready yet. 

When it comes to love and relationship, we are all equal. As long as you’re not stepping on someone else’s happiness, go on and be with the person you love. No one has the right to judge and to make someone feel bad about who he really is. 

Going back to the question, what am I? Am I straight? Am I lesbian? Am I bi?

I AM HUMAN. And a person’s gender doesn’t affect my heart’s choices. If I like you, I like you. Nothing and no one can stop me from showing that you matter and you are special.

x